Managing Client Anger in High-Conflict Disputes
Did your client’s business partner make an unauthorized purchase and withhold this information? Was your client cited by their HOA for barking dog noise, but it wasn’t their dog? Did your client’s sibling take their deceased mother’s jewelry and lie about it?
If you have ever managed any of these scenarios or something similar, it is quite likely that your client was angry. According to the American Psychological Association, anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong.
It is fair to say that most people who find themselves in a lawsuit or mediation believe that someone has deliberately wronged them. It is also fair to say that most people in these situations experience a slew of strong emotions, including, but not limited to, anger.
The Role of Anger in Mediation
Litigation or mediation should ostensibly relieve these strong emotions, but this is not always the case. As a mediator and conflict coach, I have seen that even successful mediations or favorable litigation outcomes do not always alleviate anger between parties.
When channeled constructively, anger can be helpful and motivating. It can allow people to express negative feelings and provide an outlet for communicating emotions. Anger can also lead to creative problem-solving and signal the need for changes in a situation.
Alternatively, anger can become unhelpful and problematic when not communicated effectively. In mediation, unchecked anger can distract clients from working toward resolution. They might say things they regret, struggle to express themselves clearly or calmly, and escalate conflicts further.
Preparing Your Client for Mediation
How successful have you been at helping your clients manage their anger and communicate constructively in mediation? If this is not your strong suit, then the following ideas can guide your pre-mediation discussions to help them channel their anger to maximize their results in mediation.
1. Anger & Effective Communication
In addition to preparing clients for the practicalities of mediation, discuss how to leverage their anger to their advantage. Empower them to communicate their anger in a way that is most likely to be heard. Help them identify how their anger might negatively impact their judgment or focus on their overall goals. It is important to take a careful and nuanced approach so that their anger isn’t dismissed. Consider helping them look beneath their complaint (e.g., “she was rude to me,” “he lied to me”) and explore what they really wanted from the situation. Did they want more respect, honesty, fairness, kindness, or appreciation? Uncover what your client truly wanted and see if there are ways to constructively articulate these needs in mediation.
2. Communication Styles & Capabilities
In many cases, conflict erupts because of radically different communication styles or limited capacity to communicate clearly and calmly. Perhaps your client is more direct, reactive, or aggressive, or maybe they are conflict avoidant and shut down when confronted. These differing styles can create misunderstandings and reactions.
Educate your client on how their personal style might have led to the conflict. Help them understand how their style may sabotage their ability to be heard and understood by the other person. Brainstorm ways they could communicate more productively. Consider factors like age, cultural differences, disparities in education, generational patterns, or attachment styles that might prevent the other person from communicating effectively. Additionally, check whether your client’s expectations of the other person’s communication ability are realistic. Ask them what they can do to understand or accept the differences in style.
3. Desire for Reconnection?
If your client has an ongoing or pre-existing relationship with the other party, explore whether and how they would like that relationship to move forward. Assess the value of the relationship to see if your client desires to repair unresolved issues. Ask how their anger impacts the relationship and what can be done to change this. Consider how your client could communicate their needs to maximize their chances of being heard and repairing the relationship. Encourage them to express themselves in a way that truly listens and understands, shares how the situation impacted them, and articulates what they needed from the other person.
4. Perspective-Taking
Once your client has managed their anger, helping them view the situation from the other person’s perspective is powerful for constructive problem-solving, negotiation, and conflict resolution. While your client doesn’t need to agree with the other person’s perspective, understanding their response can create an impactful opening for resolution. If a person is unable or unwilling to take the other’s perspective, their understanding of the issue is limited and unlikely to result in a satisfying resolution. Encourage them to give the other perspective the same weight as their own, humanize the other person, and create a pathway to release unresolved anger, ultimately achieving peace and relief.
While anger will likely always be part of your client’s experience in litigation or mediation, creating opportunities to help them process it and let it go is one of the most valuable benefits lawyers can provide. Do not leave anything on the mediation table, especially unresolved anger.
