Feeling Reactive, Ineffective, or Inadequate When Your Children Argue? Find Hope Here!
I used to feel anxious and unnerved by conflict, especially when my children would argue. Helping children navigate conflict felt overwhelming, and my immediate reaction was to stop the arguing as quickly as possible. Hearing them hurl hurtful remarks or slam their doors left me feeling like an inadequate and ineffective parent.
I tried various methods to manage their arguing. Sometimes I lectured them about kindness, or I grilled them with questions about how they would feel if someone spoke to them that way. At times, I took sides or removed privileges. While these tactics had some success, I often felt like I never really got it right.
It wasn’t until I realized that my discomfort with their conflict was the barrier to navigating these situations. My inability to regulate my emotions during their arguments was my greatest impediment. My desire to end the conflict quickly blocked me from seeing my limitations. Once I understood that I had the tools to regulate my emotions, I discovered I was infinitely more effective in helping them through theirs.
Helping Children Navigate Conflict: An Effective Process for Parents
When children argue, it’s understandable to feel discomfort and frustration. It’s easy to respond with statements such as “we don’t talk that way,” “you shouldn’t have done that,” or “if you do that again you won’t…” While these comments easily slip off our tongues, they are generally ineffective in helping your child work through their conflict and reconnect with one another. As parents, we want our children to get along and have good relationships. When we see that this isn’t happening, it’s tempting to rush in and try to manage it for them or give advice about what they should or shouldn’t have done. Below is a step-by-step process to help you help your children work through their differences and get back on track.
Easy Checklist to Effectively Handle Conflict Between Children
1. Ask Yourself How You Are Feeling
Before you do anything, ask yourself how YOU (the PARENT!) are feeling. On a scale of 1-10 (10 = ready to explode, 1 = relaxed and calm), what is your number? Make sure you are below five before talking to your children. Do not engage in conflict resolution if your emotions are not in check.
2. Regulate Your Emotions
Like the instructions given on an airplane, place the oxygen mask on yourself first. Regulate your emotions before talking with your children about their conflict. If you need help regulating your emotions, consider taking a short walk, changing locations, splashing water on your face, or taking deep breaths. Ensure you are calm, clear-headed, and emotionally prepared.
3. Check In with Each Child
Are they crying, shouting, or upset? Instead of telling them to calm down, recognize that just as you needed time, your children also need time and space to calm down. Ask if they feel ready to talk and process what happened. If not, give them time without pressure.
4. Approach the Conversation with Openness, Curiosity, and Kindness
It is easy to make assumptions about what happened, why it happened, or who was at fault. Ensure you aren’t approaching the conversation with pre-conceived ideas or bias. Ask yourself whether you can listen without reacting or arguing with your child.
5. Suspend Judgment and Inquire About What Happened
Help fill in the blanks and give them a chance to express themselves. There may be pieces of the story you were unaware of that could change your perspective. Provide space for their reaction and understanding.
6. Respond with Empathy and Generosity
Even if you find their response and reaction unreasonable or unkind, this is an opportunity to connect and demonstrate your understanding.
7. Brainstorm Alternate Responses
It is tempting to lecture about how they should behave. Instead, ask what would have been more helpful to their well-being. Reassure them that you want the best for them and to develop more helpful responses in the future. Focus less on what they should have done and more on ideas that could have made the situation easier.
8. Repair and Reconnect
Wind down the conversation with words of encouragement and understanding. Conflict is challenging for everyone. The more positivity and hope you can express, the easier it will be for your children to work through conflict in the future.
Patterns, especially long-established ones, are challenging to break. Conflict is one of those ingrained patterns. While it may feel uncomfortable or overwhelming to change this pattern, helping children navigate conflict is a skill that can grow over time. With patience and persistence, you’ll soon see positive changes in how your children handle conflicts, leading to stronger relationships and a more harmonious home.
What’s Your Experience?
Have you ever faced challenges helping children navigate conflict? Share your story or ask a question in the comments below!
